Twitter has soared like the mercury on an Australian thermometer to become one of the world’s most-visited websites. Facebook, its older cousin, the 5th most-used social networking utility, has become so alarmed that it is redesigning. Neither make money (nor does Thus, to be fair). The Twitter logo is a Disney birdie twittering on a branch. The inference is that we all need to put aside our fears of the meltdown of society and tweet banalities like there’s no tomorrow. The Queen tweets. Bono tweets. Starbucks probably tweets. Get with the program. Keep chattering and nobody will get hurt. Capice? Huxley’s Brave New World anticipated the phenomenon: Twitter may be the Soma of the chatterati, or it might just be a symptom of our terminal descent into the Age of Stupid. (twitter: go and see this great film, released on 15 March. Mates of mine were involved. Don’t let that put you off).
Pop artist Patrick Hughes used to hand people an exquisite calling card inscribed with the single phrase: ‘Why are you telling me this?’ I’ve been trying very hard to understand why anyone feels the need to bother strangers with random jibber-jabber, and how this has become a global phenomenon. Trying to fathom the Zeitgeist, I joined Twitter, but frankly couldn’t make beak nor tail of it. The first thing it asks is ‘ what are you doing right now?’ My immediate reaction was: ‘depends who’s asking.’ I probably should have stopped there, but in a spirit of uncharacteristic bonhomie replied that I was ‘thinking about revolution, and how to start one.’ Nobody seemed interested. I tried again, wondering if ‘the CIA, Mossad and M16 ‘Twittered.’ I now have seven followers. One is Barack Obama. Last time I looked, he was following 368,000 Twits. If he’s spending his time reading messages in the ether about someone’s plans to meet their friend Sandra for a lary hen night, thinly-veiled PR plants such as: ‘Buying tickets to see the great film, Watchmen,’ or ‘drinking Lucozade’ I think we have the answer as to the outcome of the current global crisis.
Oo-ee chirpy chirpy cheep cheep, chirpy chirpy cheep cheep chirp (repeat)
“Things Can Only Get Better” by D:Ream was the sinister and emetic anthem of Blair’s New Labour, fittingly a middle-of-the road song from a made-up pop group. Things most certainly didn’t get better for the huddled masses in Iraq, who got their arses tweeted out of existence by people they’d never harmed and didn’t even know. They didn’t get better for the workers – they never did, really. They didn’t improve for the middle classes, who saw their real disposable incomes fall by up to 30% in the US and UK. They did get better for Tony, Cherie, a bunch of warmongering liars, private equity spivs, arms dealers, some Jocks who ruined our financial system and people who sell surveillance systems. I’m not a natural optimist, and don’t join in with football chants or the national anthem. I didn’t cry when Elton John crooned ‘Candle in the Wind’ in a ridiculous wig at Di’s funeral. I’m not a natural Twit. My loss, I know. Another Scottish pop group, actually called ‘Middle of the Road,’ penned one of the most vapid hits of all time: ‘Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep,‘ whose non-sequitur lyrics can be viewed as a surrealist comment on the emptiness of existence (‘where’s your momma gone – far, far away’) or as absolute bollocks. Either interpretation will suffice, if you think about it, which I know is a deeply unfashionable pursuit. It spent 34 weeks in the international charts then disappeared like Boo.com.
Fair play to Twitter and all the Twits. My partner in crime, Daniel Taghioff, started Twittering a week ago at my behest and has amassed a following of thousands. His tweets are sensible, pithy and occasionally witty. But I’m with Patrick Hughes. I don’t know why you’re telling me this.
John J Kelly
9 Comments
Twitter: Who is it for? There’s a clue in the name.
AMAZING piece!
And to put it into the right frame – I just twittered about it!
You know what I thought as I was reading that …. it’s a trick! a very simple way of catching and identifying twits. A Chitty Chitty Bang bang like …Twit Catcher. With all the sticky sugary mind rotting tools and games that attract class A twits. I mean, who wants anyone to know what they are doing at this or that moment! You have to be so bored and delusional as to imagine that anyone else would give a hoot or a twit as to what you are doing – unless they are some odd ball stalker sort, or wierdo ex friend .. boyfriend.. Yep..it’s a twit catcher for sure!
Facebook was so new that it had a novilty and curiosity thing going for it and so some non twits may have filtered through the net. But after a few months most non twits will have dropped Face book. But Twittier should attract a really pure catch. And then all the twits can be tagged or destroyed. I had, in the past, a rather large collection of twits, but with less money and time I have had to let my collection go. Cut backs.
The first question that comes to me is where do all these people get the time to do whatever they are doing on-line. Maybe that is the point – some people may have a lot more time on their hands. I am constantly amazed at the amount of time that must be expended by the armies of bloggers providing their insight for the world at large on any subject you can name. I would be interested to know what they do in their real lives, and how they have the time to sit on line all day. Or are they doing it as they sit at their desks in the finance houses wasting our time and money and still earning a bonus?
I agree. Someone recently said that US productivity might treble if Facebook, Twitter, MySpace and EBay went offline for a week. But I have to own up as one of the ‘army of bloggers’ myself. The difference is that I do it on my own time and money. And bloggers as a breed are distinct from Tweeters, in that to a greater or lesser extent, they try to address issues that they believe matter. Not so sure about the majority of Twitter content – for starters you are restricted to 146 characters and the aim is to say whatever comes into your head. Thus internet grafitti. Best, John
Small field report of my time on Twitter (I am supposed to be a media ethnographer of sorts…)
Twitter is described by its users as the “crack cockaine” of social networking. I think they are referring to the short high, heavy comedown and the need to keep repeating the experience.
15 Seconds of fame is an eternity on Twitter, it is the one liner taken as an olympic event. It is strangely compelling, you desperately want to stay in the game, and I find myself peeking at my Twitterfox (part of my firefox browser now) to see if anyone has sent me a message, or if I have more followers (800ish following me so far, sadly the thousands are those that I follow, but still not at all bad in a week.)
There seem to be 2 things that matter in terms of attracting interest on Twitter, one is the witty one liner, and the other is links to interesting and original content, so there is a sort of symbiosis with this mag.
It is a horrific distraction though, and I have a few friends who are already post-twitter (though on Skype and Facebook and probably IM, so only marginally less hyper-connected.) The really odd bit is when you start to integrate twitter and all your other social networking stuff, Ping FM lets you do this.
Then you can say things like: Hey, I want feedback on the new format, and it goes out to your Facebook, Linked In, MySpace etc… So it is indeed like a big calling card, and nobody really knows why they are telling you this, but swimming in anomie is a large part of the fun…
well I like the illusion that following those who are far greater will somehow be illuminating: happy to know that Pierre Omidyar wants to get the Economist on his Kindle 2 and fantasizing that maybe I can help deliver that to him. JJK the trick is to follow and then you will be followed – patience and a lack of cynicism might help
Completely agree John. Never got it. I’m also a member and have a completely blank wall. 38 people have however decided to follow me and await my first move. The site seems to be made of two different parties. (1) Influential people who use it as a way of posting messages to a large fan base (for this I agree it is a good medium of communication) and (2) Un-influential people who have yet to find another way to get heard.
Dear jane
I agree, I suppose, but it’s my job to be a cynic and I’m notoriously short of patience, so I suppose i’ll never be a star twitterer. Love JJK
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