Despite heavy opposition in the House of Lords, the UK government is trudging ahead with its identity card project. Opposition counts for little in our authoritarian 21st Century democracy, even if some of it is from your own tribe. From 2009, all new johnny foreigners will be obliged to carry an identity card while applying for one will be optional for ‘young people’ between the ages of 16-25. Before you accuse the government of riding roughshod over the deeply held objections of the House of Lords – that reinvented upper house where ordinary folk are given medieval titles – take at look at the Home Office website. The same government shovelled in hundreds of thousands of foreign workers and students, many on the grounds that they were fleeing persecution in their own countries, when we apparently had full employment. At the height of the UK migrant labour boom, the numbers of ‘asylum seekers’ reached an estimated 250,000 – thirty times that of Japan. When we started a vicarious war on terror, the Home Office admitted they had no way of accurately measuring how many ‘asylum seekers’ they had allowed in, but reversed the policy and started locking some of them up in detention camps, sending a token amount back to deeply oppressive regimes and gave the police unlimited stop and search powers, which they enthusiastically deployed to hassle the bejaysus out of dark skinned people.
No change there, you might say. But back to these identity cards. I’d like to put in an early order for a couple. Although I haven’t tried second lifing just yet, I fancy living out a second life with somebody else’s identity entirely. I’ll register a car, rent a room, pop down the Blackstock Rd where (allegedly) you can buy a spare passport and get someone to hack me a new identity card. If it weren’t for the credit crunch, I’d buy some electrical goods, alloy wheels and rent a phone, just like the person who stole my identity last June. Given the UK government’s Keystone Cops track record in maintaining databases, my false identity – I rather fancy the name Caiphas Galaxy – will be as convincing and secure as my real one. plus, I’ll be secure in the knowledge that a US mega corporation, possibly one that forbids its employees to wear beards, will be immensely richer and embedded in the UK security infrastructure at UK taxpayers’ expense for the foreseeable future, pretending that the database is up, running and foolproof. An employee will leave the database on a DVD outside the Al Qaeda internet cafe, however and tighter measures will need to be deployed, including installing more cameras outside said cafe and deporting Mr Bin Laden, the owner, to Afghanistan.
So why not cut to the chase and explain, in those special patronising Home Office tones; ‘we’re introducing identity cards to create macjobs in call centres, waste (borrowed) money, increase the possibility of electronic identity fraud and to give the Daily Mail some more stuff to moan about.’
According to the Home Office website ‘the modern police’ are indeed ‘working towards diversity.’ If they aren’t too busy in the kebab shop, getting their cars washed at the Albanian car wash or leaving their guns in the toilet at Starbucks, you’ll find some of them – in this case a Muslim police person - suing for racial and sexual discrimination.
While you’re on this wonderful, Panglossian website, take a look at the police powers. ‘ The modern police service is a varied, multi-layered, responsive institution working to ensure your safety.’ It goes on to tell you that can stop anyone for anything nowadays without giving any excuse whatsoever: non-compliance is an offence in itself. Lucky us.
Sorry, I’m getting above myself. Too much ginseng today. I blame the Koreans.
Caiphas Galaxy
PS. The CIA website, one of my favourites, emits a delicious pretend typewriter sound when it spells out its title, letter by letter. These guys mean business! Watch out you commie pinkos – we’ll render you to Syria, our new allies in the war on terror, soon as look at you, Barack or no Barack!
